[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
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I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?