My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
You Might Also Like
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
True.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
i wish i could marry a nap
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP