The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
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Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?