*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
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My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.