“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
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Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?