ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
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*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Cool shirt 🙂
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.