I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
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HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
motivation
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.