So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
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Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Double negatives are never not confusing.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Do one person every day that scares you.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.