To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
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Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I’m tired tomorrow.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people