You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
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The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
I am, perchance
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog