I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
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Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it