Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
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marvel comics have peaked
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
it was a valiant fight