friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
You Might Also Like
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Me too, bag. Me too….
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.