I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
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*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
can you read it!!??
maan!
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.