Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
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*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
i meant to share this earlier
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
The three genders
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.