therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
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Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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seems like a niche market
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.