I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
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NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys