You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
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OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.