Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
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A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.