Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
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The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.