I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
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The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.