“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
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Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
My love language is deader than Latin