I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
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What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
you will never know the true number of layers
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car