{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
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3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Do not levitate over flowers
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.