Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
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I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.