About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
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I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
I bet birds love this building.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this