Reporter: *ports again*
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I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree