*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
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GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*