Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
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It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.