She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
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My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”