When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
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[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.