“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
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My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Lmaoo 😂
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?