i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
You Might Also Like
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
5 ways to appear taller
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?