[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
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Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”