Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
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11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?