[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
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Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
im 7 sauces long
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!