Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
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I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
mood
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’