For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
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Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”