[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
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None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
huge if true: the moon
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Try and stop me.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.