Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
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Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags