If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
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Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
the council will decide your fate
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years