P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
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A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
time for some seasonal decor
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?