Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
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Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
I’m sure it’s fine.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please