My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
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[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩