It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
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“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?