Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
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If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*