Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
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Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
the last thing a carrot sees
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.