boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
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Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
So sick of all these stupid rules
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!