In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
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Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Anyone else having a near life experience today?