“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
You Might Also Like
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?